The Drain Train
"I struggle because although I want to be present with people, there are times when, in their presence, I feel drained, cornered, trapped, weak, bullied, angry, judgmental, mean-spirited, checked-out, bored, invalidated, or scared of what they'll think or feel about me." -Community Circle
The drain train is a person who suffers a mental trip and imagines that they can find peace whilst staying on the trip. These train passengers — who religiously pay their train fees — want off the drain train. They come to you seeking relief, to be heard, and to be seen. But their bind is:
To be convinced that they can find relief whilst staying aboard the train.
To be convinced that you can help them find relief by taking a seat next to them on the train.
Since the ride itself is the thief of peace, they will never find relief as long as they're on the train, nor will they find it by dragging you aboard.
If you don't want to struggle to be present with train riders, don't get on the train with them. Presence is to be off the train. Besides, jumping aboard doesn't help them and it doesn't help you.
Keeping your presence, power, peace, and freedom in the company of others is what Peter Fenner describes as "completion,” or what we would call, “staying off the train.”
Peter Fenner On Completion
The following is taken from Peter Fenner's Radiant Mind: Awakening Unconditioned Awareness:
“We create all sorts of fearful consequences surrounding the action of completing with people. We fear that in the process of completing, people will negatively judge us. We fear going down in their esteem, or looking mean-spirited, weak, or emotional. The tragedy is that by remaining incomplete, we continue to hurt and be hurt by people. Conversely, by becoming and remaining complete, our relationships are continually fresh and inspiring.
If we created the incompletion, we can ask for forgiveness and promise to be more tolerant; caring, and considerate in the future. If we've been hurt, we can take responsibility for our reaction and apologize for holding this against the person who hurt us. Rather than react by becoming resentful or vindictive, we address the breakdown in communication in a more upfront and responsible way... generally, if we've worked through blaming ourselves or others and we feel a genuine need to reconcile, the conversations will manage themselves.
We know that if we don't take some action to recover our connection, there'll be a loss in intimacy and connection. We ongoingly sense how and when our communication becomes incomplete, and we make the necessary micro-adjustments to how we're listening, what we're saying, and how we're saying it, in order to stay connected with the energy, vitality, and immediacy of the present moment.
In order to stay complete, we have to be willing to engage in conversations we're not particularly familiar with. We need to become skilled in creating different types of conversations. We develop ways to recover from a breakdown in communication without placing a load on the person with whom we're communicating. One way to do this is by saying what we want to say, while providing a degree of latitude for how the person we're communicating with will take it.
The following examples give you some ideas about how to share in ways that keep a conversation ongoingly complete. The earlier we intervene in a conversation that's producing some incompletion, the easier it is to remedy.”
"It's very difficult for me to listen to what you're saying at the moment. It's bringing up a lot of strong feelings. I know it's important for me to hear what you're saying. But can you go slowly with this?"
"I need to share with you that my mind's started to wander. Actually, to be really honest, I'm starting to feel a bit bored. I'm sharing this because I want to stay connected with you. So something needs to change. Either I need to change how I'm listening to you, or you need to change what you're saying. Can we work on this together?"
"I don't understand what you're saying. I'm a little confused. Can you say it again slightly differently?"
"You seem a little preoccupied. Would you like me to stop what I'm saying? Perhaps you'd like to share what's happening for you. We can come back to what I was saying later."
"I spaced out a few sentences ago. I'm sorry. Can you please repeat what you were saying?"
"I'm concerned at the moment that something I've said is disturbing you, maybe even making you feel a bit agitated. Are you feeling uncomfortable with what I'm saying?"
"Look, I'd like you to stop what you're saying. I think you could go on complaining for a long time, but I don't know where it's taking you. I believe I've got the essence of what you're saying. So, let's just stop a minute. I'd like you to tell me in one sentence what you want me to hear right now."
Community Completion Sentences
In the vein of the completion sentences above, here’s some created by our community circle:
"Let’s pause. Can I clarify what you’re seeking from me in this moment? There’s things that I can and cannot show-up for you with… (Share your capacity to show up)"
"I’ve heard you share X. What I’m sensing is that Y is really bothering you. Is that right? Can we get to the root of this together?"
"I hear you have many complaints and I don’t think complaining, by itself, is helping you move towards a resolution in this conversation. Can you think of a way for us to work towards a resolution?"
"I think we've said enough. I'm bringing this conversation to a close for now."
Notes From The Field
Don’t overlook it when Fenner says, “generally, if we've worked through blaming ourselves or others and we feel a genuine need to reconcile, the conversations will manage themselves.” If you don’t work through blaming yourself or others and don’t feel a genuine need to reconcile, it doesn’t matter if you can plug-in the completion sentences in a conversation, you undermine the harmony you seek by being unwilling to be harmonious first within yourself. The spirit of reconciliation must be there if you want harmony in your life and relationships.
Experiment with the completion sentences above. Edit the sentences and phrases to fit your language and your personality. Try them and watch how you can look forward to being in the company of people who you once thought drained you. If you don’t try, if you don’t say what you want to say, then accept that life will probably go as it’s already going.
Respect people's right to be on the train. If you try to take someone off the train without their willingness, that means you're on the train with them. Why? Because to be on drain train is to bash your head against a futile state — it is futile to try to change someone who is unwilling to change.
Trust that the other person can handle a truthful conversation. Trust that the other person's nature is freedom and that they can hear what you have to say. Note, if the other person is dangerous or unreachable through conversation, none of what is said here applies — instead, you need to set immediate boundaries and take actions to keep yourself safe.
Don’t doctor, massage, tinker, or soften your words to coddle the other person's ego. Your message will come out weaker and you will feel weaker for it.
Trust that you can say your message plain, simple, and clean. I usually say it in the way that it first comes to me.
Enjoy running in the fields and hills that lay beyond the train tracks.